Had to get this out!
…grinds my gears?
So I had a blog post that took me an hour and a half to do. Not because I can’t think of anything to write, but because I worked a 13 hour day on only 4 hours of sleep. I complained about how my BS job basically told me that if I called out of work because I didn’t have child care, that I was basically putting in my two weeks notice at my job because they weren’t going to let me call out. When I brought up the point that I was a single parent with no family around here to speak of and was basically doing most of everything on my own, yes I have a babysitter for him but again she wasn’t able to watch him, I also have a friend that lives almost 45 minutes away and that kills gas but she has a daughter who just had major knee surgery, I was told ‘Well I suppose you should think about moving back to Philadelphia.’
Oh really asshole? Last time I checked, I’M ACTUALLY FROM PITTSBURGH! DIFFERENT CITY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FLIPPING STATE! And for another thing, I shouldn’t have to ‘move’ just because you all want to be jerks to me. I work hard, why shouldn’t you do what you can to help me out? I mean hey, you’ve done it for your cronies, why not for me? Jerk faced butthole!
I went on to further state that I was screwed over for my promotion (which is connected to this) because I apparently abused sick time. Meanwhile I have close to a hundred sick hours to use. and when I was sick I always had a doctor’s note. Bottomline is, I hate my job so much that I feel even more inspired to earn my degree. Of course what really sucks? I have to do things for my other class and I didn’t get home until an hour ago and I’ve already almost fallen asleep like 3 or 4 times….this sucks. Stupid work is interfering with my education.
Yeah, this blog sucks this week. Maybe I’ll upkeep it after this class is over just so I can have someplace to vent and rant and rave. Who knows? Sorry for the maximum suck fest.
Now my blog is really short and now it doesn’t want to freaking post to the word press. This is getting really frustrating and annoying and I’m to the point now that I dont’ even want to mess with this anymore. I just want to go to bed and not be bothered. This is so pissing me off its not even funny!
So in the end, I feel completely overwhelmed in everything that I try to do in my life. I feel like everywhere I turn, I’m doing something wrong and nothing right. I am so sick of feeling helpless, and being a completely failure. The only thing I feel great at is watching TV and playing video games. I haven’t hardly done any real writing in a while. Sure, I do my poems for my class but my book? My book is a dead fish in a broken barrel. I’m down on myself right now, and even though the idea of working on my school work makes me feel a little bit more inspired, somedays I feel like I’m wasting my time.
Maybe I just need to get some sleep and everything will be alrigth. Whatever, I suppose I needed a woe is me.
Not to mention the fact that anytime I attempted to post the blog to wordpress, it wouldn’t post. It would just sit there with a grayed out box. Yes, this weekend was without a doubt the most frustrating I have had in the 3 months or so that I filed for divorce. Its just felt like everything and everyone is against me, and no matter where I turn I’m going to have resistance and conflict.
One thing that has been useful is that my poetry has alot of anger in them lately, and that means that I can be very creative with my words. However, I’m tired of having to be angry to write. I’m tired of having to be angry and use that to fuel me through the day. Why can’t I just be happy and let that be my fuel? Why can’t I just be glad to be alive instead of freaking surviving despite bullcrap? Yeah, those are the things that I’ve been thinking lately. Its been one big pity party with me as the guest of honor as I said, ‘woe is me’.
So what’s fully grinding my gears? Not so much that my life sucks right now and that people in my life have proven to be relatively useless, but that I’m not strong enough to just deal with it, laugh, and keep moving. Instead I’m crying about it. I’m expecting help from wherever I can get it because I feel overwhelmed. The state isn’t going to help me with my finances, or my child care issues so why cry about it? Fix my own problems. By that I mean, help with my child care costs or even help with food. So why not just quit pissing about it, and get a second job. Work a few days a week here and there so I can make a little bit of extra money so that I can just save easier? Why not just put my kid into headstart or something instead of depending on a babysitter that I can barely afford? I hate this, and I hate being like this. I just want to ball up my fists and just throw punches at everything, who gets hit? I don’t care.
Now, come to find out that a ring that belonged to a friend of mine’s grandmother got lost in my move. I went back to my old place, not there. Come back to my new place and look at where it could be…gone.
Bang up time in my life right now.
Yeah, my gears are straight grinding.
…when douche bag realtors rent properties to people one hour before you were supposed to look at them.
So yes, I am sure you can all gather what kind of week your’s truly has had.
Let me give you all a little bit of a run down on where things have been shall I?
I told my ex wife I wanted a divorce in July. I had been unhappy for sometime, and it just got worse and worse until finally I said that I was done. After an argument in which came about when I suggested that our son should stay with me instead of her until she secures a job resulted in a blender being thrown at me. You ask her, she threw it in my general direction. However, when you live with a person for five years and they are unable to hit you with something when they mean to, but drill your head off when they aren’t trying, it makes you a little nervous.
So I recieved legal advice from a cousin of mine stating that I should get out of the house. Since she has resorted to throwing things in anger, who knows what could happen? Especially with me being the male, and being a corrections officer, if she were looking to set me up I could lose my job and be completely screwed over in these proceedings; so I left.
I stayed in a hotel for about…three nights while going to work. Of course, a slight emotional breakdown at work after not being able to find out the status of my son, I was given a week’s vacation. After getting out of the motel, I stayed with a friend and her daughters which was alright, however living with another woman while going through a divorce I didn’t think would look good for me in front of the judge. Especially when I didn’t know what the judge’s disposition towards me would be; friendly? Hateful? So I spoke to a friend of mine from when I was on the fire department and he has been letting me stay with him for the last two months or so.
It would seem like a great situation, however I am a 33 year old man. I’m too old to be doing the “roommate” thing, sorry this is real life not a sitcom. Plus, as I get closer to our next court date, I feel this need to show the judge that I am able to provide a stable life for my son. I also want to get out of the same town that my ex lives in. I want to be able to live my life without feeling like I am being watched. So, I decided to find us a place we can live that would be our own. So that we are not confined to a tiny bedroom and having to live by someone else’s “rules” or dealing with someone else’s child in their own environment. The only crap part? $400 a month without haing to pay anything else but my own personal bills has been nice.
So I went to the Keene Sentinel with gusto since no one I know knows anyone renting any property. I saw a few places that I was so ready to gush over its not even funny. One of them was a place that was a 1 bedroom for $670 a month. Heat, electricity, hot water, internet, and cable ALL included Oh yes, I wanted it badly. I was ready to bleed my blood into a jar for it! Problem? I have a child. Yes, I was told “We do not rent to people with children.” I know, that is illegal. Technically you cannot discriminate like that if you are a rentor, but why would I want to live in that environment? I won’t have my son in a place where is potentially going to be treated badly because he isn’t wanted. So, I hung up on the snot sucking douche bag and decided to continue my search.
Found another place that is literally 4 miles from my job. It was going to be about $700 a month, but EVERYTHING again would be included. Problem? I was going to see it at 3:15pm and they rented it out at 2pm. Yeah, they smell like pee. Not human pee. But, in the spirit of Halloween, zombie cat pee. Complete with bodily fluids. However, they had another place that was similar in price ($725) with everything included, including cable. Joy yes? Well, I drove by the place. They say its an efficiency. Looks more like a freaking shanty shack. I’m serious! And worse, its got tons of other little shanty shacks around so I’ll feel like I’m living in a refugee camp! So I would be paying over 700 bucks to live in a crappy shack with tons of people around. Hmmm, not sure I’m feeling that cousin. I’ll go and look at it sure, maybe see if it looks nicer on the inside than the out. But, come on seriously?$725 for that? I’d rather put a nail through my left middle finger!
However, there is a happy ending. Went to Spofford yesterday and saw a 1 bedroom apartment that is on farm land. $575 a month, plus electric, no other utility needed. Its not so much an apartment, but kind of like a vacation cottage. I have an amazing view of the mountain in Vermont, and Lake Spofford. Its quiet, peaceful, and its $575 a month. I can pay my rent, internet, and netflix (maybe even Hulu plus since I won’t have TV), and my car payment, electric bill, child care costs, groceries, and gas with the other. Will it be easy? Oh hell no. Its going to be hell, but it will be my own space. That is what Bryan Jr. and I both need.
So yes, after working over 12 hours of overtime and trying to find a new place to live has been a stressful time, and has been keeping me from doing school work. But…its going to be rewarding in the end. Lord willing, I will be able to get my car paid off sooner than April and then I will have a butt ton of extra cash coming my way.
Well that’s my rant. Hope everyone else had a better week.
…douche bag ex wives and the games they play!
Oh yeah, I went there.
So here is my first blog post for class, not my first blog ever though just for the record. What should I say here? There are tons of things that I want to rant about. I want to rant about the the promotion that I didn’t get, even though I believe that I should have. I want to rant about my divorce, but that could be used against me. I want to rant about my son just now looking at me and saying “My Mommy is very very very mad at you.” again, I can’t because it would probably get used against me. So what can I rant about and not get in trouble?
I’ll tell you what.
Why can’t I rant without getting in trouble? To quote a very funny man; “That really grinds my gears!”
But no seriously; why do I have to worry about sensorship on my own blog? Why should I have to have this fear of people I work with stumbling across this blog, passing it onto my bosses and me losing my job? When am I supposed to be able to unwind and flip out about my job? I don’t have many friends, and I don’t go to bars. Granted, using the internet to do my whining probably isn’t healthy either but…come on! If I have the need to pop my stack, I should be able to without fear of reprisal. Not like I am mentioning names, or doing this at work! Bull crap!
And as far as ranting and raving about my divorce, and what my son said…COME ON! I am not threatening her life or anything, I never would for the record. All I want to do unleash a little bit of cotton-picking, good old fashioned American rage verbally using typed text!
Is it because I was born with the curse of a extra appendage? Heaven forbid I am born with something that I never asked for, just sort of happened when folds of skin were forming. How is that my fault? Or let me guess, I’m the jerk for wanting the divorce? Well sorry, if I don’t want to spend the next God-knows-how-many years in absolute misery and hoping for a flaming toilet seats reentry into our atmosphere to put me out of my misery (if you’ve seen the show ‘Dead Like Me’ you will get the referance. If not, I suggest watching it). I always thought I deserved to be happy, or maybe that’s just foolish talk. Who knows?
Bullcrap, oh yes, I scream bullcrap! Last time I checked, I didn’t have the red flag of China stamped on my butt! I should be able to say what I want, when I want, and how I want! So long as I am not threateing someone, or causing any SERIOUS harm, you can throw that ‘My feelings are hurt’ crap so far out the window it hits your annoying neighbor’s equally annoying pet and/or child RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE FOREHEAD, let me say what I want!
Maybe my problem is, I am not conforming with the times. I should just drink the Kool-Aid and just say ‘Hey, your feelings are important the same as mine. I will put your feelings ahead of mine, suck my anger in deep, and let it consume me. Hey, you deserve to be happy.’ Sorry, can’t get into that pansy method of thinking. My feelings and thoughts are JUST as important as everyone else’s. I shouldn’t have to be made to feel like I am wrong because I need to express them.
Oh, and to tie up a loose end; when my son said ‘My Mommy is very very very mad at you.’ I wanted to say “Well tough shit junior!” but I didn’t. Instead I said ‘I don’t really care. I will never tell you what I think of Mommy. I will just tell you how much I love you.’
Yeah, I did the adult thing. Being a grown up sucks though. Its times like these that I think of the song by the great Tom Waits;
“When I’m lying in my bed at night, I don’t wanna grow up. Nothing ever seems to turn out right. I don’t wanna grow up.”
But I did grow up. And you know what? Being a grown man, with all of the experiences I have had has made me powerful. Powerful in mind, powerful in body, and powerful in spirit. You think you’re going to destroy me? I will take your best shot right on my chin, laugh in your face and ask you to hit me again and put some straight STANK on it! I’m done censoring myself, you can’t quiet me, you can’t control me. I’m a wild fire, an unbreakable stallion, wind, water and all other things that cannot be tamed.
You got something you want me to rant about? Anything in general that is going on that you want me to rant about? Then please, leave me some feedback. Any topic, anything in the news, any sports team, ANYTHING. I am opinionated and will love to go off about it.
I don’t just invite you, I straight up DARE you.
So this is my first blog here. While I do have a blog that I use for book promotion, and I did get permission to use that blog for class, I decided to do like the rest of the class and start my own blog on here. I may even use this in case I have to leave blogspot for any reason. If you want to see my personal blog, just ask and I will post it. Take care and have a great day!
And here’s hoping my Fantasy Team does better this week than last week!